Subtereanul despotic al iubirii

Să ne adăpostim în peşteri , să ne ascundem efemer de vară. Verdele ochilor mi se prelinge pe fresce.Îmi îndrept spatele şi te privesc în ochi.De mult nu m-am mai simţit atât de copil, hoinărind derutant printe stalagmite.

Mi se zbat umbre în priviri şi răcoarea peşterii mi se întinde la picioare şi delicat , cu măiestrie îmi zâmbeşte sardonic, îmi aruncă draconic, în faţă condamnarea verii.
Mă clatin ca o tragică regină condamnată de popor. În sânge simt trecutul mişcându-se ritmic asemenea celei de a doua inimi.

 Spaţiul mă eliberează de toate.Nu mai există nici clipire, nici durere,niciun zbucium ,nici măcar o schiţare de refuz împotriva pierderii sinelui în Univers.
Mi-e frică să nu mă trădeze ochii, ei au fost mereu feriga slabă a simţurilor mele, îmi ascund privirile departe în întuneric, îi las să fie ai altcuiva, poate a mimului nebun ce sălăzluieşte în mine.Îmi las mintea să se înece în deliruli chinuitoare.

Îmi ucid trupul în văzul disperat al speleotemelor, al draperiilor parietale şi al marmitelor.
Urăsc să fiu vulnerabilă dar nu am de ales. Acum , ucid. Victoria este una colosală, îmi simt corpul zvâcnind  şi fremătând de o plăcere pe care nu am simţit-o până acum, mă umplu de o teamă extaziantă, mă scald într-o necesitate voluptoasă. Ucid tot ce am simţit vreodată pentru tine.


Nu mai simt nimic , reuşesc să nu mă mai urăsc...Îmi văd chipul oglindindu-se în băltoace mizere şi mi se face greaţă , şi mi se face sete, o sete nebună de tine...
Efectul sinistru pe care l-ai avut mereu asupra mea capătă o rezonanţă apatică în străfundul peşterii şi aproape că aud în ecou bătaia complexă a inimii tale.

Sensibilitatea exacerbată emanată de aglomeraţia umană îmi provoacă rău.
Mi-aş smulge dorul din piept şi l-aş îngropa undeva în cel mai întunecos ungher al cavernelor bântuite de lilieci, l-aş îngropa în văzul tuturor fără să clipesc măcar.

M-aş cufunda într-o amnezie permanentă şi mi-aş trăi viaţa în peşteri ca oamenii preistorici fără a mă mai gândi vreodată la tine, ar fi prea simplu!
Aş fi o imitaţie autentică de gotic şi pe parcursul anilor aş deveni ipohondră şi cel mai rău m-aş teme de atingerea oamenilor ,pentru că ei mi-ar aminti de tine.

Lasă-mă să mă rătăcesc în labirinturile astea întunecate, în galeriile aste somptuoase şi pline de calcar. Acum sunt destul de vulnerabilă , voi lăsa rocile să îmi privească disperarea...

De mult nu am mai simţit viaţa, viaţa autentică, acea perpetuă bătălie cu propriile simţuri, voinţa care se ridică , se zbate şi într-un final se năpusteşte asupra zidurilor ce îţi mărginesc lumea infimă, văzută dintr-un unghi prost, văzută probabil cu al treilea ochi...

Mi-am dat accidental seama că îmi lipseşti, a fost catastrofal, pregnant şi chiar latent pe simţuri. Câteva secunde mi-am ţinut respiraţia  într-un stil melancolic, sever-amuzant, greoi, ca şi cum dacă oxigenul nu mi-ar fi ajuns la creier aş fi uitat subit de tine. Stalactitele mă priveau de sus şi râdeau de naivitatea mea aparent studiată.

Doar uită-mă în această peşteră! Nu mă tem de nimic. Voi trăi o agonie mută până la sfărşit. Îmi voi umple plămânii cu acest miros misterios, perfid, miros de sare şi de calcar. Îmi voi închide ochii şi voi lăsa trogoxenele să îi acopere să le fure verdele.

Voi deveni peşteră cum a devenit Ana catedrală şi nici atunci nu voi uita de tine!
În mine se va naşte viitorul Messia şi îl voi înveli în piei de şerpi .

Îmi voi duce existenţa subteran şi te voi lăsa să mă calci în picioare. Nu zâmbi, nu mă domini, nu încă! Nu s-a surpat lumea încă , nu se clatină munţii încă, şi oamenii sunt oameni, nu oameni peşteri...Doar eu îmi permit acest lux!


Fragil mă arunc în gol, osteoporotic troznesc rocile împrejurul meu.Ating placenta lumii şi mi se face frig, plâng şi râd. Ating chintesenţa şi îmi picur sufletul pe roci.

Cât timp va ploua,cât timp voi încerca să te uit , cât timp voi respira,Pământul va fi împânzit de peşteri.Mă simt amputată, decupată strâmb dintr-un decor icognicibil.

Ce bine că stâncile nu cunosc sentimente. Nu cunosc creaţia sau necreaţia. Se lasă modelate de sculptori şi în momentul crucial, în momentul în care capătă forma finală simt o mare iubire..

E ultima mea vizită în peşteră.  Ultima mea trecere înainte ezitarea debilă ce va urma...După lumea crepusculară mă aşteaptă, lumea de dincolo, atunci vei avea ocazia să mă calci în picioare.
Îmi întind pentru ultima dată trupul obosit, bolnav şi ostil pe coasta disperată aflată în semi întuneric a peşterii, înalţ ochii spre o lumină cât de mică şi tânjesc după stele şi dezluşesc pe pereţii cavernei ceva şters,ineligibl încerc zadarnic să găsesc armăsari închipuiţi şi apoi mă lăs cuprinsă de o letargie febrilă, derapantă spre abis.

Sunt singură în culcuşul meu, ultimul om al cavernelor, ultimul om care mai iubeşte peşterile.
Îmi opresc respiraţia, apoi bătăile inimii până aproape de zero, apoi dincolo de limite, dincolo de nimic şi adorm cu amintirea ta.Pe retinele euforice sub membrana subţire a conştiinţei dansează caii de foc...



P.S : Şi dacă mă aflam acolo şi la naşterea primului Messia, înseamnă oare că încerc să te uit de când era anul 0?
P.S1: Mă întreb care va fi următoarea mare evoluţie a specie şi mă întreb când vom locui din nou în peşteri.

Aimee

129 de comentarii:

Sweet Lemon spunea...

"Mi-am dat accidental seama că îmi lipseşti, a fost catastrofal" - cunosc sentimentul asta si nu-mi prea place.
Te-ai gandit vreodata sa scrii poezii? Sau ai scris vreuna? Cred ca ar fi tare interesante... :)

Cătălin spunea...

Numai că Ana a devenit între timp un monument istoric ;)

Luli. spunea...

Tare dragut modul in care iti expui gandurile. ma regasesc pe-aici, pe-acolo. :)

ღAzucenaღ spunea...

Mi se pare foarte interesanta postarea ta si imi place ca ai pus atat de multe poze.:D

Ana-Maria spunea...

@Sweet Lemon , da ai dreptate e un sentiment al naibii de dureros şi personal îl detest..cât despre poezii am scris câteva dar nu sunt cine ştie ce!

Ana-Maria spunea...

@Cătălin întradevăr. Dar pierzi esenţa, deşi e un monument istoric este undeva tăcută şi împietrită în durerea ei. Eu m-aş metamorfoza în peşteră şi aş avea nevoie doar de singurătatea, cât despre istorie, aş lăsa timpul să treacă pste mine şi i-aş accepta schimbările!

Ana-Maria spunea...

@Luli. mă bucur că îţi place şi urăsc că te regăseşti, numai noi ştim cât de dureros este...

Ana-Maria spunea...

@ღAzucenaღ mă bucur că îţi place postarea, cât despre poze , nu am niciun merit!

LoStInDr3aMs spunea...

un singur cuvant:GE-NI-AL! dar nu cred ca este suficient pentru a-ti aprecia munca!

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